For Highly Sensitive People, the Holidays Can Be Too Much

ByCarolyn Riker
a highly sensitive person is overwhelmed by the holidays

“We need an entire lifestyle that suits our trait and a strong sense of being justified about doing what we need to do.”

-Dr. Elaine Aron

The other day when things were fine, I thought this holiday season would be easier, and then as if a storm blew in from nowhere — it wasn’t. 

I wasn’t doing well.

So, I asked myself: 

What happened? Why the grumpiness and extra sensitivity? Is the latter even possible? Why does even the air hurt my feelings? 

I was surprised by the words I wrote in my journal in response.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP) and therapist, the holidays are often too much of everything for me. The overstimulation, overthinking, and extra feeling are all very real.

Sure, for me, it’s super sweet to hear a Christmas carol or two, but not the day after Halloween. And what about Diwali, Hanukkah, and other wintertime celebrations? Why does Christmas takeover? It sure feels good to wish my friends Happy Diwali and Blessings at Hanukkah, but even that gets pushed out of place because there’s another Christmas reindeer photobombing the space.

As HSPs, we notice all these things, from the loud music to the nonstop commercialization to which holidays our friends celebrate. We wear our heart on both sleeves, but we also need to learn how to tuck our heart sleeves inside where it is safe and warm.

For Highly Sensitive People, Overarousal Is Real

As Dr. Elaine N. Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, writes, “Overarousal is the greatest problem for HSPs, and while there’s plenty written on stress management, little of it is specialized for us. We need more than a few new techniques. We need an entire lifestyle that suits our trait and a strong sense of being justified about doing what we need to do.”

The holidays become a race earlier and earlier every year. Most of the time, the holiday season feels like a movie on highspeed, and the expectations that follow supersede the essence of love, connection, and realness that our highly sensitive selves cherish. 

The commercialism that fills our inbox and runs across our newsfeed, and the stores we visit drone with a heavy ka-ching. It’s a competition much like a marathon to see who can achieve and buy more and last longer. 

If you’re a highly sensitive person, you may feel constantly overwhelmed.

Even the Elf on the Shelf is deliberately performing half-heartedly.

So, I pulled back, and that’s when the sweetest of whispers spoke to me:

What you really need is more time to be with the knitted shawl of quiet and honor your sensitivities.

How to Protect Yourself During the Holidays

And with that, dear HSP, please recognize you might cry more during the holidays than you normally do. It’s okay. Sentimentality and being full-of-heart, that’s you; however, you also need to protect yourself a lot more.

Take those naps, read a book, listen to music. If Aunt Petunia visits, let her take the kids to the park.

“You need ample permission to turn off some of your sensitivity to the needs of others. This is not selfish — for example, it could make your partner a far happier person. When you try to behave like a non-HSP and help everyone who you sense needs it, you are bound to succumb to overarousal…[Without taking breaks,] this can lead to insomnia, depression, anxiety [and] irritability.” –Elaine Aron

Remember a time when you felt more centered. Maybe you had some extra time off or a longer weekend. What usually happens is you feel better because you were allowed time to decompress. And in that space, you could be yourself and cherish the time away from the busyness. This is meaningful to you as well as necessary.

So, please push aside what pokes, prods, and picks you apart, and instead listen to the bells of the stars, sip that Irish crème moon, appreciate the silence from the glow of candles and the flavors of evergreens holding pinecones. Light the menorah.

Sip some ginger tea. Stretch under a weighted blanket and let your nervous system recalibrate. Immerse yourself in a nature walk. Turn down the lights and let yourself go inward on a regular basis.

Pull out your calendar and mark off quality quiet time. I do this nearly every Sunday, and it has sincerely helped me to find balance. As HSPs, we need a steady stream to calm our sensitivities.

We need a corner in a room with our favorite books. Maybe there’s a desk, or an altar with a collection of shells, crystals, and photographs. Maybe you have a table set up with a large puzzle.

This is the season where you must cradle and shelter the spirit of what your heart asks of you. 

Make this holiday time a true “Holi-day.” Something holy and just for you. This is not being selfish. As HSPs, we need to wrap ourselves in our daydreams.

What Works for You, and What Doesn’t?

Therefore, take a few moments to reevaluate what works for you and what doesn’t. Self-empathy beseeches you.

And when you have some quiet time, ask yourself these questions:

  • What takes away your joy, and what brings it to you?
  • Who drains your ways, and who fills this space with ease?
  • Where can you let go?
  • How can you enjoy what matters to you?

 Snip, snip those that “tag” you endlessly. Remember, there’s no obligation to say yes when your heart says no. Listen super close to what really touches you.

A few weeks ago, I made a personal list that helps me honor my sensitive ways. Most of these suggestions can be sprinkled throughout the year:

  • Call a friend to make sure they are okay.
  • Make eye contact and smile at a stranger.
  • Write a letter to someone who could use real mail.
  • Listen with heart, then pay the musician on the street corner.
  • Bring new/clean blankets to a local shelter.
  • Donate food and towels to an animal shelter.
  • Donate to your local food bank and/or tent city.
  • Write a book review for your favorite Indie author.
  • Help carry someone’s groceries.
  • Offer someone a ride.
  • Listen to a new reader read.
  • Tuck a special note in your child’s lunch.
  • Text your family/friend with an “I love you.”

With that, I wish you a kind holiday season in whatever way you celebrate it. However, remember to honor your highly sensitive self. Wrap yourself in quiet. Keep healthy snackage near. Visit your needs regularly. This is your deepest truth.

Happy Diwali, Blessings at Hanukkah, and Merry Christmas.

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Carolyn M. Riker, MA, LMHC, LLC is a poet and author as well as a mental health therapist in private practice. She has two books of poetry available: Blue Clouds and This is Love. Her third book of poetry, “My Dear, Love Hasn’t Forgotten You” will be available in December 2019. You can follow her on Facebook at Carolyn Riker, MA, LMHC or Instagram.